Well, St. Louis Cardinals fans, here we are. It’s like the car crash you kept staring at, and then got into one yourself.
The Birds sure are limping along, and dragging its illustrious fan base with it.
Because of the sadness, and overwhelming sick feeling the Birds on the Bat give its patrons every other night, I decided to take it upon myself and assign the line-up (which looks horrendously different than Opening Day) their new walk up songs.
If you recall, I took my best educated guess at the starting nine’s batting tunes on Opening Day – and it seemed to really make people feel good.
Fast forward a couple months, and the line up, and overall tune of the club, could not be any different.
So as they adjust, I must adjust too.
Leading off, playing 1B, Matt Carpenter: “Pity Party” – Melanie Martinez
Matt Carpenter has had an OK season. Not good, not completely awful – but certainly not something you’d brag about to your buddies. His base-running is the equivalent of Stevie Wonder trying to drive a school bus; meaning that it’s blind and done with reckless abandon. He tries to play the good, quiet-natured guy, but at the same time, he seems to just want everyone to feel sorry for him. Let’s all throw Matthew a Pity Party.
2. Batting second, in CF, Tommy Pham: “No Bullshit,” – DJ Quik
Tommy Pham has slowly become the hard-o in the locker room, and I absolutely love it. His motivation and determination get me more fired up than jazzer-cising with Richard Simmonds. He expects greatness and nothing less. The guy would probably give himself an “F” for the way he walked into the ballpark last night. It wasn’t fast enough, nor casual enough for what is considered socially acceptable. He’s the kind of guy that puts three whole pats of butter on his toast in the morning – because f&^% cholesterol that’s why.
3. Batting third, in RF (both on the field and the DL), Stephen Piscotty: “Headstrong,“ – Trapt
Stephen Piscotty seems like a real nice kid. Take your hat off to him for playing through his mom’s ALS diagnosis and just his overall disregard for his body while playing the game. From getting drilled in the head with an infield throw trying to score, or just his countless bang-bang plays against the outfield wall – the kid is a gamer in every sense of the word. He plays Headstrong, and despite his lack of success as far as statistics go, it really is hard to root against him.
4. Batting clean up, your 3B, Jedd Gyorko: “Real MVP” – Siya
Jedd basically put the team on his back for a majority of the season, playing solid defense, not being a complete moron on the bases, and not to mention his pretty stellar offensive numbers (he’s been just okay as of late). Nobody predicted his breakout last year, and everyone had JHONNY FREAKING PERALTA starting over him before this season started. What nerve. To you Jedd, you the real MVP…
5. Batting fifth, catcher, Yadier Molina: “Once Upon a Time” – Eddie Fisher
Father time has seemingly caught up with St. Louis’ near decade long backstop. The offensive numbers aren’t there, his caught stealing % is down, and it almost just looks like an overall love of the game isn’t there anymore. I never will question what Yadi brings to the table when he is on, because even him giving 50% is better than 90% of the league’s catchers. I sure do miss the guy who used to throw everyone and their mom out and getting scrappy behind the dish…ahhh those were good times.
6. Batting sixth (somehow), LF, Randal Grichuk: Intro Song from “Welcome Back Kotter” – John Sebastian
Randall Grichuk is the definition of the phrase “roller coaster season,” as he had an abysmal start to the year, was sent down to instructional league ball or whatever, then came back and is still doing Grichuk things. He’s either heads or tails, and I question whether or not he’s legally blind. Every at-bat is a strikeout or home run. What you see is what you get with Randy. It’s good to have him back no doubt, but if he wasn’t the best looking guy on the team, the St. Louis Cardinals would’ve traded him like yesterday.
7. Batting seventh, SS, Paul DeJong: “Look at Me Now” – Chris Brown, Busta Rhymes
Okay, so I went super mainstream with this one but hear me out. Paul DeJong has clearly made a name for himself, and is a really like-able guy. Because his play has been so good (sure he’s had a few bumps in the road, but he’s a rookie so keep your pants on), the Cardinals even made the move to send Opening Day starter Aledmys Diaz down to AAA. St. Louis plans to take a real hard look at DeJong now that Diaz and Kolten Wong are both gone – and evaluate whether to add infield help long term or not.
8. (Whoever the hell plays second base goes here)
9. Pitching staff – “Drowning“ – A Boogie Wit da Hoodie.
The staff is trending downward, both on the mound and the plate. This one is self explanatory. It’s becoming a guessing game as to who gets sent down or traded first. Your candidates? Michael Wacha, Lance Lynn, and nobody else, because the St. Louis Cardinals will never send Adam Wainwright to the bullpen or to another team.
I hope this was able to provide some light into your dull and sad state right now whilst watching this Cardinal team. If it didn’t – this is the perfect song to encompass what has taken place thus far.
Follow @TonOfClayton for more musically themed ideas and Cardinals insights