Sigh. It’s an off-day for the Cardinals, and off-days suck. Forget ties, off-days are like kissing your sister, and my sister uses way too much tongue.
The worst thing about off-days is that I suddenly feel lost in life, wondering what I’m going to do with the 3, or if you’re Rob Manfred, 9 hour hole in your life. There is no news. There are no updates. No lineup to argue about, no Matt Carpenter 15 pitch at bats, no Carlos Martinez cup stacks. It’s that day you turn to all of your loved ones and realize you’re going to have to act like you’re ok with spending the evening with them. Manfred wants less baseball. I want double headers every damned day.
And while we, the fans are out here longing for more baseball, have you ever wondered what the players are doing? I did, so I personally went out and stalked each one of them to find out what they did on their days off. I’m proud to report that it’s apparent the off-days are just as agonizing for them. Just take a gander at some of the activities I witnessed:
Eric Fryer – Eric Fryer has no idea what an off-day is. To him, it’s like every other day. He spent his day rocking back and forth in the dugout “just in case he gets put in” and leaving messages on Mo’s phone to please not release him.
Aledmys Diaz – Diaz, who loves baseball, actually spends his off day playing for a local softball team because he just can’t get enough. On this day he hit two homeruns and two triples, but his team lost with the bases loaded, down by one run, and Diaz on deck. Some spectators wondered if maybe the team would be better off if the manager would stop batting Diaz 8th.
Mike Mayers – Mayers spent his day creating himself in MLB the Show. After modifying himself to have all the max abilities, he proceeded to get shelled by the San Diego Padres before virtual Mike Matheny pulled him after 1 1/3 innings and 12 runs given up. Mayers then screamed in rage, and threw his PlayStation out of an already broken window into a pile of about 20 previously broken game systems.
Tyler Lyons – Tyler Lyons hung out with some pretty nice people most of the day, but he wished he could hang out with the cool kids, and thought about it often. It’s not that the cool kids didn’t like him, just not enough to let him hang out all of the time. Sure, when one was hurt, or having a bad day, sometimes they let him join, but for the most part he had to stay behind, wishing he could belong.
Stephen Piscotty – Piscotty spent his day letting Al Hrabosky watch him solve formulas from a 5th grade algebra book while Al marveled at how smart the Stanford Kid is.
Seung Hwan Oh – Oh shot a commercial for South Korea, in which he is relaxing in his home on the Sea of Tranquility when he notices his Stone Buddha statue is glowing, a sign that Earth needs him. He grabs onto a nearby passing asteroid and rides it to a small village in South Korea where he intercepts a nuke launched from North Korea and redirects it towards Wrigley Field. He then notices a puppy stuck in a burning tree floating down a raging river towards a waterfall above a volcano that’s about to explode. He quickly turns himself into a Pterodactyl and swoops in, grabbing the pup before certain doom. “Another save” he says, winking at the camera. The pup thanks him, but is clearly agitated and Oh realizes the dog’s master is in trouble. He follows the dog on a hovercraft to a small cottage where he finds an old man lying on the floor, writhing in pain. “Don’t worry” he says, “I know what to do.” Oh grabs a baseball and hurls it towards a passing medicine man knocking a tube out of his hand. The pup leaps through the air and catches it in his jaws and sprints to Oh, who quickly applies the contents of the tube to the man, who finds himself in Instant relief. Oh then holds the tube to the camera and says “Seoul Dream Hemorrhoid Cream — IT’S THE FINAL BOSS!” and vanishes into a cloud of smoke.
Eugene, in the meantime, is holding back adoring girls from interrupting the shoot, and is teaching them English phrases such as “Yes officer, I’m 18.”
Jedd Gyorko – Jedd went home to visit his parents, who both assured him endlessly how proud they are of him, and how they wouldn’t trade him as a son for everyone else. As good as this made Jedd feel, he couldn’t help but wonder why his picture isn’t on the fridge, but Kolten Wong’s is…
Carson Kelly – Carson decided to get Chipotle on his day off. The line was really long but he endured, patiently waiting his turn. When he was next in line he realized the guy in front of him had an order of 14 burritos. Carson was starving, but he had no choice but to bide his time. Finally, after seemingly forever, the last order was placed. It was about to be Carson’s turn when suddenly the man in front of him got a text and yelled out “Wait! I have 3 more orders!” Carson cried.
Miguel Socolovich – Miguel spent the day trying to teach Tim McCarner how to pronounce his last name. It did not go well.
Matt Adams – Matt Adams spent his day reading my tweets, sobbing, and sending mail bombs to Tom Brunansky
Zach Duke – Zach Duke spent his day how he spends every day, on a beach in Maui drinking shots from the navel of hula girls while awaiting his next John Mozeliak signed check.
Jose Martinez – Jose spent his day working on being the best husband he could possibly be by taking his wife out for a romantic picnic in a park, where they dined on Jose’s homemade egg salad sandwiches, fed the ducks, strolled in the open air, and told each other that they loved each other. Both would agree that Jose had outdone himself and created the best day ever, until his wife suggested that they sit on a park bench and Jose screamed “MY GOD WOMAN, WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHOW YOU THAT I DON’T BELONG ON A BENCH?”
Dexter Fowler – Dexter Fowler spent his day colluding with the most evil people in the world on a plot to put anthrax into every water supply just because he loves to watch people suffer. On occasion he sends out a charming tweet and reads replies like, “AWWW Dexter! You’re my favorite person in the world! You’re such a great person and everyone loves you!” He then smiles imagining their slow and painful deaths.
Greg Garcia – Greg Garcia spent the day being totally awesome and underrated and bringing about world peace.
Jhonny Peralta – Peralta spent his day being physically restrained by loving family members trying to keep him from a nearby needle loaded with performance enhancing drugs. “BUT I NEED IT!” he shouted. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Finally, Jhonny was able to break free and started dashing in the direction of the needle. Much to his family’s surprise, Jhonny ended up running right past the needle and picked up a basket of French fries sitting on a counter just a few feet away. “Awww” said his family, “He was just hungry again!”
Adam Wainwright – Adam Wainwright spent his day losing card games to his daughter that he used to win. “I’m playing better than ever. You’ll see. I can still win. I haven’t lost it” He says after every loss.
Matt Bowman – Matt Bowman spent his day writing love letters to the Mets organization begging them to take him back.
Trevor Rosenthal – Trevor spent his day how he has spent every off day for years, trying to get the 1958 Chevy that he was rebuilding to turnover. Try as he might, nothing seems to work. His wife, frustrated at never seeing her husband, was heard shrieking in the background “You’re never going to get that to start. Give it up. It will never, ever, ever, ever start.
Matt Carpenter – Matt Carpenter woke up feeling refreshed and as physically great as he has been in years, so around 4:30 AM he went out to Busch and started taking 16 hours of batting practice. By the end he had hurt his back so badly he had to be carted off the field by the grounds crew. On the way he saw a text from Mike asking if he was good enough to play tomorrow. “Yes” he replied.
Luke Weaver – Luke spent his day applying “Miracle Grow” to his goatee.
Kevin Siegriest – Kevin wanted to go to the movies and relax for the day, but Mike called him and told him to start warming up on 3 different occasions.
Lance Lynn – Lance Lynn spent his day at local area hospitals visiting sick children, followed by cooking food for the homeless. Afterwards he volunteered at a suicide hotline and showed 12 different people they had a reason to live. The man really is a true delight.
Randal Grichuk – Randal Grichuk spent his day having sex with multiple insanely hot girls. If you are a guy, these are the sorts of girls you’ve never even seen in real life. If you are a girl, this is not you. You can wish it was you all you want, but it’s not you. Grichuk wouldn’t even be able to identify you as a female, because you look nothing like the girls he is with every single day. It’s not going to happen. Get over it.
Jonathan Broxton — Jonathan Broxton spent his day moving about like a hippopotamus in a hot tub filled with sausage gravy. On occasion a tour guide would come by with school children and talk about Broxton in his native habitat, while the kids got the thrill of throwing chunks of bacon into his mouth.
Mike Leake – Mike spent his day shopping at local retail stores, focusing on those that seemed to have lax security.
Alex Reyes – Alex spent his day eating bags and bags of potato chips and giggling.
Kolten Wong – Kolten Wong spent most of the day talking to the detective in charge of his case after he opened another letter with “WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AWAY” spelled out in cut out magazine letters. There are no current leads as to who the culprit is, but detectives do note that the letter “t” is actually a cross cut out of “Christian Weekly” magazine.
Carlos Martinez – Carlos Martinez awoke in a drugged state strapped to a barber’s chair and cried out “NO MO! NOT AGAIN! NOT THE BRAIDS!” before a needle was plunged into his neck and he passed out.
Tommy Pham – Tommy Pham spent his day chained up in Matheny’s basement weeping to himself and wondering what he did to deserve this.
Michael Wacha – Michael Wacha had a routine day off where he did what he usually does to pass the time, he had shoulder surgery.
Yadier Molina – Yadier Molina spent his day getting his new contract tattooed onto his neck.
Brett Cecil – Brett Cecil woke up, looked in the mirror, and wondered if maybe he should take a shower. “Nah, personal hygiene is for wusses” he says as lice crawl around his scalp.
John Mabry – John Mabry spends his time taking batting practice, hitting grounders to 2nd, and saying “Still got it”
Derek Lilliquist – Derek wants to go home, but he gets too tired to stand up and leave the dugout. He sits in the same spot and has a servant bring him cheeseburgers.
Chris Maloney – Chris spent his day teaching his daughter to drive. He told her to take a left turn across a busy intersection. “Are you sure dad?” “Of course, you’ll be fine.” She was t-boned by a car almost immediately. “WHY DID YOU SEND ME?!?” she cried. “Huh,” he said, “I thought for sure you’d be safe.”
John Mozeliak – John Mozeliak spends his day rehearsing in a mirror, saying things like “Mike, this hurts me more than it hurts you” and “Look, I just think you’d be better off without this darn team holding you back.” He then texts Mike that they need to talk. Mike responds with a screenshot he got off of Tinder featuring a man pictured from the neck down only wearing a pink bow tie. Mo replies “I just want to tell you I think you’re doing a great job, and it might be time to offer you another contract extension”
Mike Matheny – Mike Matheny spends his day taking a phone call endlessly praising what a genius he is, how everything is going according to plan, and how he might be the single most clever and devious person that has ever existed. The accolades go on so long that Mike is almost bored listening to how great he is. This is all stuff he’s heard before, and all stuff he’ll hear again. Of course, it’s not a bad thing when the boss is happy with you, especially with the amount of money he’s getting paid. At the end of the conversation Mike says “Thanks Theo, you won’t believe what I’m going to do next.”