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Why I’ll Never Be a Chicago Cubs Fan


The rumors are true – if you have followed me socially, you know by now that yes I am moving to Chicago.

Tomorrow in fact.

Cue the anxiety.

Not because I am packing up my entire life and moving to a city I have no clue about, no no no.

It’s because I have to literally sit and squander with people who are peeing their pants after witnessing the Chicago Cubs win a World Series championship last year.

Look, I get it. You guys got one, I applaud the effort, but let’s settle down already. Act like you’ve been there before.


You haven’t, your parents haven’t, your grandparents haven’t and your great grandparents were probably in diapers the last time it did happen.

But I digress.

Many people have asked the stupid question though – “So are you going to become a Cubs fan now?”

Yes moron, I have lived in the St. Louis area for 26 years of my entire life, and in the blink of an eye, I will choose to wear blue and proudly don a crest which features a blue bear, which is an abnormality within its self because I know for a fact there are no blue bears on planet Earth.

Put all of that aside, those are still not the reasons why I’m NEVER going to be a Cubs fan, even though I will probably be hit by a bus or be afflicted by gang violence whilst living in Chicago.

But here is why:

Cubs people pee in troughs

Listen, it is not a question of manhood, or a question of dignity.

I have pissed in places you people will never go in your entire life, believe me. But there is a level of comfort I like to have when I am six beers deep into a good baseball game and need to hit the head.

My chosen place of relief is a urinal, not a place where you could also feed a batch of pigs, bathe a child, or serve mashed potatoes out of.

No way Jose, bathroom troughs are not for me.

In the one time I did attend a game at the nostalgic Wrigley Field in Chicago, Il. I thought to myself, “Well this is different,” and as I glanced down into the trough, I noticed someone had decided to use said trough as a dumping site.

For their baby’s diaper.

That is the day I lost all faith in the bathroom trough system, Wrigley Field, and a little in humanity.

Cubs people do not put Ketchup on their hotdogs

I don’t know what the hell is in the water in Cubs nation, or in Chicago in general, but you will NEVER convince me that a hotdog is not good without both mustard AND ketchup.

As a result, I cannot become a Cubs fan, or trust a fan base that as a majority refuses to put that lovable tomato paste on god’s delicious wieners.

Can I say god’s delicious wieners and it still be PC? Screw it, I’m going with that.

I have been spoiled

Last but not least, I have to get a St. Louis Cardinals angle in here or it won’t measure up to our esteemed RedBird Daily meter.

Look, I have and will be a Cardinals fan my entire life. We are spoiled. We have been spoiled. We dominated the division for how long and made Chicago look stupid for how many years?

We also feature one of the most beautiful and up to date ballparks in all of the Major Leagues – it is a family-friendly ball park, blows Wrigley Field completely out of the water in terms of features, accommodations and just anything you could want when you go to the game.

Cubs fans will make the argument that there is “history” behind Wrigley field.

I laugh at you, because for 108 years you were the butt of every joke in Major League existence.

You make your fans urinate in the same receptacles pigs eat their slop out of.

You refuse to put god’s tomato paste on the best form of ballpark food imaginable.

Your people have urine stained pants, no sense of what the word history means, and by god, a cracker jack form of a ballpark at best.

So to those of you who are asking me that STUPID question.

That is why I will never, EVER, become a Chicago Cubs fan.

Thank you for reading.

I will be taking a week off to move, but keep following the crew at the RedBird daily, lots of good stuff coming!

Follow @TonOfClayton for more rants and rumblings

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