ARTICLES FROM THE FUTURE, Vol. 1
September 27, 2017
Tommy Pham should have gone home happy.
Tied at 2-2 with one out in the bottom of the 9th against their hated rival, the Chicago Cubs, Tommy Pham came to bat with Magneuris Sierra 90 feet away from giving the Cardinals a walk off victory. He didn’t need a home run. He didn’t even need a single. He’d settle for a sacrifice fly, maybe even a well placed ground ball. With Sierra’s speed, victory seemed inevitable.
That’s when the Cubs went to their bullpen.
Needing a strikeout against the Cardinals best hitter, they went to the hardest man to hit in all of baseball.
Their new again closer, Aroldis Chapman.
Chapman was released by the Yankees last week after video surfaced of him in his garage filling a bowl with 9 cans of Coors Light, or as Chapman calls them “Silver Bullets,” and one by one drowning a litter of kittens. No charges were filed.
Theo Epstein immediately moved to get his man, saying that Chapman really was a good person – if he wasn’t the Cubs would never employ him – and that the entire thing was overblown because “as everyone knows, cats have 9 lives.”
Now here he was, back with Chicago, eager to, as he put it, “Get some more champagne,” also adding, “because my cat is pregnant again.”
But Chapman, used to taking down lesser foes like his girlfriend, was no match for Tommy Pham.
Pham sent the first pitch high into the night, landing just past the outstretched arm of Kyle Schwarber, who was sitting 6 rows deep in the left field stands, where he was visiting as a paying fan after his season had ended in AAA Iowa.
Tommy started his jog around the bases, the Cardinals fans screaming his name in delight, and Schwarber screaming for one last hot dog before the vendors closed up shop. This was supposed to be a glorious moment for Tommy.
Instead, after rounding 3rd, he heard a crunch. He knew without looking. It was an ant, and it was dead. The pain on Pham’s face could be seen throughout the stadium.
Pulled aside after the game by Jim Hayes, Pham was distraught with himself.
Hayes: “How about that home run?”
Pham: “I was going for a single, Jim, it should have been a single. It was terrible execution. I am a terrible human being.”
Hayes: “But a home run is even better!”
Pham: “That’s no excuse for killing a defenseless ant, Jim. I’ve got to do better. This is one of the worst days of my entire life.”
Hayes: “You won the game for the Cardinals!”
Pham: “I also killed some poor insect’s loved one Jim. I’m a monster. I’m a horrible person. I cannot believe what a complete and utter failure I am at everything I’ve ever set out to do.”
Hayes: “Well thanks for visiting with us and congratulations on your game winning home run!”
Pham: “That may be the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. If the Cardinals have any sense at all they will claim I have an upper respiratory infection and get me far far away from this team.”
Pham then was seen walking towards the clubhouse and shouting “YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH” into a mirror, which he then shattered with a punch.
Mike Matheny, witnessing the event, was heard commenting, “He’s right.”