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Ten Changes to the St. Louis Cardinals the Media Won’t Notice

Zach Gifford dared me to do it.

Long time St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist and sports guy Derrick Goold tweeted on Tuesday that Mike Matheny was on record as saying that the St. Louis Cardinals were making changes to the spring training regimen, but that the media probably wouldn’t notice.

Matheny’s low-ball jab at the media was a way of saying “we’re not doing anything, so quit asking me about it.”

The St. Louis Cardinals are heading into Spring Training in a weird state; they are looking up at a Chicago Cubs team that just won the World Series, without a roster that lacks any real proven not aging superstar talent, and they have a general manager who is under the microscope for not doing enough this off-season to catch up with those pesky North-siders.

So for the media to ask a manager how he planned to shake things up during the spring months in hopes of motivating the club as they head into the regular season???


At least, that’s the vibe Matheny’s response gives off to me.

It’s basically a “we’re not going to do anything different, who gives a shit” kind of mentality.

Not very comforting if you ask me.

OR, if you like to look at things in a brighter, more comical perspective like I do, Matheny could literally mean that there are/were some spring training changes that are going to motivate this club to better position themselves in the regular season, despite the lack of stardom, big offensive production and aggressive general managing our Chicago rivals seem to have right now.

Here are 10 things I think are actually (or will happen) happening in Spring Training 2017; stuff that us dumb folks in the media would (will) never notice

1. Mike Matheny is getting a boob job  breast reduction: he saw how much weight Matt Adams lost and wanted to drop a few pounds, but wanted to continue to eat Doritos in his mother’s basement. His solution? Go down a cup size. The press won’t ever notice considering the guy sweats a bucket a night anyway.

2. The team decided to give Tommy Pham less seed packets to chew on: if you read @STLCardsCards post for us at the beginning of our birth into the blog world, you saw that Tommy Pham will die at some point this season. The St. Louis Cardinals realized this, and have since taken away his seeds, effectively reducing any risk he had of choking to death on them and thus prolonging his life. The media will fail to notice this because Tommy Pham is a footnote on Dexter Fowler’s ass and irrelevant in the team’s success anyways.

3. The soda machine charge goes to $1.80 from $1.75: The media will not notice this because John Mozeliak drinks 19 Diet Cokes a day, and there is never any soda anyways, so they’ve learned not to look.

4. At the request of Jonathon Broxton, Lucky Charms cereal is now served at every meal: Media personnel do not have access to team meals anyways, so this slight change will undoubtedly go unnoticed.

5. Kolten Wong will be medically prescribed Xanax: because his mental stability is close to that of a Six Flags roller coaster, the team doctor will supply him with a healthy dose of happy pills. This will not matter because he will continue to have an up and down offensive career, and none of us in the newsroom will be surprised, shocked or care to ask why.

Matt Adams, 30 pounds lighter, working out with pilates babes.

6. The St. Louis Cardinals organization is putting a ban on decaf coffee: Did you see how much energy the Chicago Cubs had for a full baseball season? What the hell were we doing serving decaf in the cafeteria? STRONG COLOMBIAN BREW ONLY BERTHA, NOTHING BUT THE BEST. The media would never notice because to be in this business, you only drink caffeine. Decaf is for the weak-willed, and someone who has never tried to make deadline.

7. All Cardinals players will undergo a password protection seminar: (Thanks Max). Due to the WikiBeaks scandal, all players on the active roster will now change their laptop passwords from “password” to “password1.” The media could never know this was taking place because we are too stupid to assume this level of hacking would ever occur…right?

8. Mike Matheny is decreasing his daily selfie/mirror looks from 10 to 3 to increase batting practice time: Fudge gave me this one. It’s pretty self-explanatory, the media will think nothing of it though, we just look it at as getting a jump on things, nothing out of the ordinary.

9. Everyone will have slicked back hair for the first team photo – but instead of using gel, players will use maple syrup – to pay homage to new reliever Brett Cecil, a former Toronto man. The media will never notice, and just assume everyone wanted to look more sophisticated. Mmmmmm maple syrup, delicious and sticky.

10. Dexter Fowler will have one of those cardboard cutouts (think of the movie Major League) of Cubs owner Theo Epstein – except instead of every win, the team takes a piece off for every loss. Fowler will roll this sucker out after the team loses, after the media scatters for the evening. The more losses = the greater chances our boys have to look at Theo’s junk.

I’ve got my eye on you Mike Matheny.

Don’t think as a member of the media (I barely qualify by definition…) I won’t be on the lookout for these little nuances you would try and push past us this spring training. You are a former big league guy, I know you of all people know how to fire the guys up in the locker room.

Whatever it takes, let’s get the St. Louis Cardinals going this spring, it’s time to win a pennant and shut these assholes up from Chicago.



For more nonsense, debauchery and top-10 lists, follow @TonOfClayton 


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